Holding All the Grief

Written By Kristina Dulaney

A Message from Cherished Mom on Postpartum Psychosis, Prevention, and Every Family Left Behind

By Kristina Dulaney, RN, PMH-C — Founder, Cherished Mom

There are moments when the weight of this work becomes almost impossible to carry.

When a case involving Postpartum Psychosis enters the national conversation — when it lands on the front page, on the evening news, in the comment sections and courtrooms and living rooms of people across this country — I feel the familiar pull in every direction at once. I feel the grief of the children. I feel the devastation of the fathers. I feel the terror of the mothers who are sitting somewhere right now, reading the news with shaking hands, wondering if what they are feeling makes them a danger to the people they love most.

I feel all of it. And I want you to know that Cherished Mom holds all of it — without looking away from any of it.

That is what this post is about.

We Begin With the Children

Every conversation Cherished Mom has about Postpartum Psychosis must begin here. Not with policy. Not with clinical language. Not with legal definitions.

With the children.

When a mother's mental health crisis ends in tragedy, children are always among those who suffer most — whether they are lost in the crisis itself, or whether they survive it and spend the rest of their lives learning to live with an absence they were too young to understand. Both of those children deserve to be named. Both of those families deserve to be seen.

The children who die in the wake of untreated Postpartum Psychosis are not footnotes to a medical story. They are the most devastating evidence we have that this illness must be taken seriously — caught early, treated immediately, and never minimized. Their lives are the reason we do this work. Their loss is the reason we cannot stop.

We do not look away from them. We say their names in our hearts every single day.

We Also See the Families Left Behind

There is a grief that almost no one talks about in conversations about maternal mental health — and it is one of the most profound: the grief of the children who survive the loss of their mother.

Whether a mother dies by suicide, is incapacitated by a psychotic break, or is separated from her family by the consequences of her illness, her children carry that absence in ways that reshape them entirely. Research is clear that early loss of a primary caregiver has deep and lasting effects on a child's mental health, their sense of safety, and their capacity to trust and attach. These children grow up with a wound that has no clean name, no easy answer, and very little public acknowledgment.

We see them.

We also see the fathers and partners — the people who watched someone they loved become unrecognizable, who may have raised the alarm and not been heard, who are now left to grieve in multiple directions at once. They grieve the person they lost. They grieve the family they built. They grieve the future that was taken from them. And they often do it in silence, because the public conversation leaves very little space for them.

We see the grandparents, the siblings, the communities — everyone who loved a mother and loves her children and is trying to make sense of something that resists sense.

Cherished Mom exists for all of them.

What Postpartum Psychosis Actually Is

Because we are an education organization, we must be clear about what we know.

Postpartum Psychosis is a severe psychiatric emergency. It affects approximately one to two mothers out of every thousand who give birth. It is not the baby blues. It is not postpartum depression. It is a state of medical crisis — with symptoms that can include hallucinations, delusions, rapid mood swings, disorganized thinking, and a complete break from reality — that typically emerges within the first two weeks after delivery and can escalate within hours. It often happens later in the postpartum period for reasons we do not yet fully understand. 

Mothers experiencing Postpartum Psychosis are not themselves. This is not a metaphor. Neurologically, hormonally, psychologically — they are in a state of crisis that can make them believe things that are not true, hear things that are not there, and act in ways that are entirely inconsistent with who they are when they are well.

This is a medical emergency. In the same way a heart attack is a medical emergency. In the same way a stroke is a medical emergency. It requires immediate clinical intervention, not judgment.

Left untreated — or unrecognized — it can end in tragedy. For the mother. For her children. For everyone who loves them.

That is why screening matters. That is why education matters. That is why every single person reading this post needs to know what Postpartum Psychosis looks like, so that the next time a mother is in crisis, someone recognizes it in time.

What We Will Not Do

We will not use any individual case — in the news, in the courts, in the public conversation — as a platform for Cherished Mom's mission.

Not because those cases don't matter. They matter enormously. But because reducing a complex medical reality to a debate about one person's guilt or innocence serves no one — not the families who are grieving, not the mothers who are suffering, and not the mission of prevention that is the only thing capable of stopping the next tragedy.

Courts determine guilt. Juries weigh evidence. Judges impose sentences. That is not our work.

Our work is earlier. Our work is the appointment where the doctor didn't ask the right questions. The postpartum visit where the warning signs were present and no one connected them. The mother who told someone she wasn't okay and wasn't believed. The father who knew something was wrong and didn't know what number to call.

Our work is the moment before.

That is where Cherished Mom lives. That is where lives are saved — all of them, mothers and children and families together.

Infanticide Is Rare — and It Is Never Beyond Discussion

We know this is the part of the conversation that makes people most uncomfortable. Good. Discomfort means we are being honest.

In the most severe, most untreated cases of Postpartum Psychosis, children can be harmed. We do not soften that. We do not hide it behind clinical language or qualifying clauses. It is one of the most devastating truths in maternal mental health, and it is exactly the reason this illness must be treated as the medical emergency it is. This is why awareness matters. This is why education matters.

Understanding how something happens is not the same as excusing it. Knowing that a disease can lead to tragedy does not mean we minimize the tragedy. It means we fight harder to stop the disease.

Every family that has lost a child to a mother's untreated mental illness deserves our grief and our action in equal measure. We honor them by refusing to look away — and by doing everything in our power to make sure it never happens again. We do not share their names or photos without explicit permission out of respect for the families. We have the same standards for the mothers lost to maternal mental health crises. 

To Every Mother Reading This Right Now

If you are reading this and something in you is afraid — afraid of your thoughts, afraid of what you might be capable of, afraid to tell anyone what is happening inside you — please hear this:

You are not a monster. You are someone who needs help right now.

Intrusive thoughts — even terrifying ones — are a known symptom of perinatal mood disorders. Having a thought is not the same as being a danger. But it is a signal that you need support, and you deserve to receive it.

You are allowed to ask for help. You will not automatically lose your children for telling the truth. Silence is what creates danger. Honesty is what creates safety — for you, and for the people you love.

Please reach out. Today. Right now if you need to.

To Every Family Member Who Is Watching Someone They Love Struggle

You are not overreacting. If something seems wrong, say so — loudly, persistently, to whoever will listen. Call her doctor. Call the hospital. Call 988. Do not wait.

The most important thing you can do for a mother in crisis is refuse to minimize what you are seeing. You may save her life. You may save her children's lives. You may save your entire family.

Resources

If you or someone you love is in crisis right now:

If you are a healthcare provider who wants to learn more about recognizing and responding to Postpartum Psychosis, visit cherishedmom.org for our free webinar, "When Mom Isn't OK."

We Hold All of It

Cherished Mom was built on lived experience - this includes the experience of partners, children, and loved ones. on knowing what it is to be a mother in crisis, and on knowing what it costs when that crisis goes unseen.

We have always known that this mission requires us to hold grief that does not fit neatly in one place. The grief of mothers. The grief of children. The grief of fathers. The grief of communities. The grief of the families who will never be the same.

We hold all of it. Not because it is comfortable. Because it is true.

And because the only way to honor every person in that grief is to fight — together, without looking away — for the world where we catch this illness before it destroys another family.

That is our commitment. That is our mission.

That is why we are here.

Kristina Dulaney, RN, PMH-C is the founder of Cherished Mom and a Perinatal Mental Health Certified nurse. She has worked in maternal mental health advocacy since her own experience with postpartum illness.

To learn more, visit cherishedmom.org or ismomok.org.

To share your story with the Is Mom OK? campaign, visit ismomok.org/share.

#IsMomOK #CherishedMom #MaternalMentalHealth #PPPAwareness #PostpartumPsychosis #MaternalSuicidePrevention

Kristina Dulaney
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